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Great One-Liners

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

West Virginia: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more Californians happy?

HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ........or is it?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one wild party, and will wake up even more of a fool the next day.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY ARE BELOW AVERAGE. (It's pure coincidence that many are Democrats...)

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

OTHER THAN THAT, MRS. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

If you run out of sick days, call in dead.

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it"




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